Anchorage couple seeks balance with in-laws moving between relatives' homes

An Anchorage resident wrote to the Dear Annie column to describe a multi-year strain in his marriage caused by the living arrangements of his in-laws. The couple, both in their 50s, are asking how to set limits without their wife feeling guilty about her aging parents. The in-laws are in their mid-80s and have no nearby family support system.

The in-laws built wealth through real estate but depleted their savings over time. They cite extravagant spending, poor investments, and failed get-rich-quick schemes for their current financial status. Today, they live entirely on Social Security. For the past eight years, they have moved between the homes of relatives and friends.

For the last six years, the couple has stayed with the mother-in-law's stepsister. The stepsister owns homes in California and Idaho and allows them to use whichever house she is not currently occupying. This arrangement has required the elderly couple to perform physical tasks like shoveling snow in Idaho. Both locations are more than eight hours away from the Anchorage couple's home.

The mother-in-law is the couple's only child. She has chosen to live far from her grandchildren and her first great-grandchild, who recently joined the family. The in-laws qualify for a senior housing community near Anchorage that would provide stability and proximity to family. However, they refuse to consider moving there. Instead, they visit the Anchorage home at their discretion.

Visits that start as three-night trips often extend to five or six nights. On one occasion, the in-laws called the couple's son and asked him to stay with a friend so they could use his room. The son agreed to the request without fully understanding the family dynamics. The in-laws also use the Anchorage address for driver's licenses, voting registration, and car insurance despite not living in the state for eight years. They did not ask for permission to use the address for these documents.

The Anchorage couple has two young adult children who are establishing their own lives. The husband notes that his wife feels tremendous guilt when setting boundaries. She experiences daily stress from the in-laws' demands. She resents that they chose to live far away but still expect the family to rearrange its schedule for their visits. The husband wants to be fair, noting that the in-laws are lovely people who do not intend to hurt anyone. He believes they are determined to maintain a lifestyle they can no longer afford by relying on others' generosity.

Dear Annie responded to the reader by acknowledging the difficult stage of life the in-laws are in. The columnist advised that extra patience and compassion are appropriate at that age. She stated that a wife can be a loving daughter while still setting reasonable boundaries. The advice includes sitting down to agree on visits with clear arrival and departure dates. The columnist encouraged the couple to continue suggesting the nearby senior housing if they believe it would make the in-laws happy. She noted that boundaries do not have to be unkind and that finding a balance allows everyone to feel respected.