Local readers seek guidance on family rifts and estate planning

Anchorage residents sent two difficult family scenarios to advice columnist Eric this week.

The first letter comes from a father who is trying to reconnect with his 14-year-old daughter. He and his ex-wife had a loud argument a few years ago that their daughter and his mother witnessed. During that fight, the father says he name-called his wife, a mistake he promised himself he would never make. He says he meant the harm he caused his ex-wife and was glad the marriage was ending. His daughter moved to Florida with her grandparents shortly after the incident. She has not spoken to him in more than a year. He says he misses her terribly and thinks of her every day. He notes that she does not respond to any of his attempts at contact. He asks how he can fix himself if he is not allowed to fix the relationship with her.

Eric replies that acknowledging his part in the breakup is a healthy sign. The father can see the missteps standing in the way of a relationship. This awareness will make repair easier when the time is right. Eric suggests the father may not be ready for repair yet. The daughter is grappling with things that are not easily healed. Eric asks if the father has written a specific apology for the things he did wrong. If he has not, he should start there. If he has already written and she has not responded, he needs to give her more time. Eric says space is sometimes part of the fixing process. The father should keep working on himself to become a healthier parent when she is ready to reconnect.

The second letter is from a mother dealing with an estranged older son. She says this is not the first time he has cut them off. After college, he lived with them until age 32. When he finally moved out, he stopped speaking to them for a year. He resumed contact during the pandemic when he needed a place to live. Since then, the parents have been generous. In 2024, they paid for his wedding in Italy. They also gave him and his wife substantial financial support and gifts. In January 2026, they paid for a family trip to Chile. The son went on the trip but behaved badly. He stopped speaking to them soon after. The parents are now establishing their wills and trust. They are inclined to leave their estate to their younger son because of the repeated estrangements and the money already spent. The brothers are not speaking, largely because of the older son. The mother asks if leaving everything to the younger son would make a healthy relationship impossible if they reconcile. She wants to avoid burdening the younger son with guilt or resentment.

Eric tells the mother that she cannot protect her younger son from his brother’s resentment. That resentment might exist with or without the money. Both sons need to be responsible for their own behavior. The younger son has been affected by his brother’s behavior throughout his life. It is possible he resents how much has been given to his older brother. It is also possible he would resent having to split more money if the estate were divided. Eric suggests thinking of the sons separately. The older son’s relationship with the parents is fractured. The parents do not feel compelled to leave him anything. This decision does not have anything to do with the younger brother. The parents can explain their decision to the older son in advance or in a letter included in the will. Eric notes that this might invite more conflict into a difficult relationship. He says the older son’s resentment is his responsibility now and in the future. If the brothers reconcile, the younger son is free to do with the estate what he pleases, including splitting it.