Experts share tips for caregivers facing tense conversations

Caregivers in Anchorage and across Alaska can use specific communication strategies to manage stress during difficult interactions with loved ones. Experts from the Aging Untold program outlined techniques to help caregivers maintain their composure and keep conversations constructive, even when emotions run high. These methods focus on self-regulation and clear verbal exchanges to prevent minor disagreements from becoming major conflicts.

Gerontologist “Sam” Cradduck advised caregivers to leave the room when a conversation begins to escalate. “You have to step away. You really do,” Cradduck said. “You’ve got to let yourself calm down.” Aging well coach Katherine Ambrose suggested that physical cues, such as feeling hot, shaky, or tense in the jaw, signal that a caregiver’s nervous system is reaching its limit. At that point, Ambrose said, the caregiver should remove themselves from the situation or seek help.

The panelists encouraged caregivers to view the behavior of the person they are caring for as a form of communication. Cradduck noted that unspoken expectations often lead to resentment. “You expecting something from somebody oftentimes turns into spoken resentment,” she said. “So then, you’re frustrated and you’re yelling and they have no idea.” She emphasized that even a cognitively whole adult may not understand a caregiver’s needs if those needs are not explicitly stated.

Amy O’Rourke, an aging expert, listed specific words that can heighten tension, including “no,” “you,” “always,” “never,” “don’t,” and “you can’t.” Cradduck added that tone is as important as word choice. “It’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it,” Cradduck said. Ambrose stated that miscommunication is the primary source of conflict in caregiving relationships. “All drama and conflict comes from one thing, and that’s miscommunication,” she said.

O’Rourke shared an anecdote about a visit to her father in a nursing home where he was upset about a missing wheelchair key. Despite her training, she felt her heart rate rise. “But then I realized, I don’t have to be right,” O’Rourke said. “I can let go and be with him where he is.” Dr. Rhea Rogers, a board-certified physician, warned that misunderstandings can cause people to second-guess themselves, leading to anger. She noted that caregivers can become just as distraught as the patients they serve.

The experts also addressed the role of negative self-talk and venting. Ambrose observed that online groups where caregivers complain can sometimes contribute to low-level energy and misery. Cradduck countered that such groups provide a safe space for caregivers to vent before re-entering the home. O’Rourke recommended discussing fears and frustrations with a trusted person to achieve emotional balance before the next interaction.

Going forward, caregivers should enter conversations without a fixed outcome. O’Rourke said that aiming for a specific result often leads to failure, while aiming for connection builds cooperation. Cradduck urged caregivers to treat adults as adults rather than children. “When you’re trying to parent or you’re trying to correct them like you would a child, then you’re creating a conflict because they’re not going to be happy,” Cradduck said. She described the caregiver’s role as being the “peaceful adult” who maintains calm, even when it is difficult.